Baah Humbug!!!

Alan Muir, a man of contradictions, lives on southside but blogs for The Leither (!) wishes all a happy Christmas safe in the knowledge that the Accident & Emergency will be going like the doors of the Next sale.

Firstly, I confess that I cannot hack what commercial “keich” Christmas has become. Santa’s image was the creation of a Coca-Cola marketing bod’ and less than 1 in 4 children in England were able to say what this festive period was for or about. The general religious view is that we’re 20 days out anyway, but, why let the facts spoil the multi-nationals’ profits.

I have witnessed so many lassies weighed down by the Argos bags in the last weeks that it had to be the run up to Christmas. I know of one threatened with a call to Childline if the wrapping revealed Reebok rather than Nike!

So, here we are in Asda, Morrisons wherever store only to find folk, otherwise “normal”, buying 6 loaves because the shops are shut for all of a day and you don’t want to risk their wrath by pointing out the freezing instructions on the side. Trolleys carrying loads the average juggernaut would buckle under are shoved down aisles like snow ploughs forcing the rest of us to jump into the nearest freezer cabinet.

What sugar coated tosh society has bought, bought big time, into. The neddery adorn their houses with naff Santas and reindeers lit up from dusk till dawn and watch the “leccy” bill launch towards that of a small town. Demi-Lee, Cody and the siblings look on in wonder, learning the hard via Christmas that adults lie to children.

Goodwill? Hardly! In my time at the Bar, I defended in as follows:-

Christmas Day- 3 attempted murders

Boxing Day- 2 attempted murders, assault to severe injury (various)

Ne-er Day – 1 murder (started by the clearly inflammatory “Have you got the time pal?”)

The domestic assaults will mirror those on an Old Firm day in the west (that’s as in Glasgow not Tombstone).

The 40 inch opiate in the corner will spew out the repeated guff and the “I’m actually in touch” Queen’s Speech. We’ll cut to various poor sods serving in Afghanistan now that we pretend that Iraq is all sorted out. The “news” will be dumbed down, if that is possible these days and we’ll be hit with endless ad’s for sales and holidays. As they say, “No such thing as original thought!”

Enforced jollity is as false as a Blair, Mandelson smile and I’ll have none of it.

As a child, one of my friends was in a hellish position as his father had died on Christmas Day. We forget that, for many, this period trawls up very painful memories and they are castigated for not “getting in the Christmas Spirit”.

Bah Humbug I scream. If I see something I think a friend or relative will like, I buy it for them- regardless of some fictitious bloke in a red suit and false beard. World War I, when the guns silenced and the footballs came out is still brought out as an example of man’s inherent goodness. It ignores that the carnage restarted with the final whistle. Will we ever learn?

So, some suggested Christmas prezzies :-

(1) Gordon Brown – A box of build your own integrity. He had lost his by selling all he had just to get the coveted PM title.

(2) New Labour cabinet – a dictionary so they can look up “collective responsibility”

(3) Blair – a service revolver to do the honourable thing and another dictionary to allow him to get his head round something (just prior to the bullet that is) the meaning of “bitter irony”. In his case, acting as peace envoy in an area he ordered bombed to distraction but called it liberation.

(4) All civil servants/bureaucrats – common sense for use where political correctness and double speak are presently the norm’.

(5) BBC/ITV – a clock with big numbers and a plug. The rest of us use them quite successfully, but, it seems that at times of money spinning phone ins, they just can’t get the hang of seeing the finishing time and pulling the plug when it comes.

I wish all a peaceful time and especially those who find themselves homeless, in pain or in desperation to see a light in their darkness.

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